Embarrassment

Messing up and living to tell the tale

Proof that I can, in fact, ride a lift

Dear Friend,

When was the last time you were embarrassed? Like really embarrassed? Mine was a couple days ago, at my place of employment. Yep, I embarrassed the crap out of myself where I work. At least I wasn’t on the clock.

Friend, I have skied at least 30 days so far this season, maybe more. Riding the chairlifts can be hard (especially for snowboarders), but I’ve done it a lot. So much, in fact, that I barely have to think about it. And therein lies the problem. A couple days ago, on a busy day on the mountain while getting a few laps in before work, I just stopped thinking. I forgot to think.

Does that ever happen to you? I just completely zoned out. I was in line for the lift with two strangers, the three of us single riders and I was in the middle. We for some reason didn’t chase the next chair right away and then they started moving but it seemed too late after I finally realized so I tried to go, but then hesitated because I thought I wasn’t going to make it, then fell and lost a ski. I somehow made it into the lift but they had to stop it and help me get my ski back on. 

Many, many people saw. It was almost as humbling as faceplanting in the powder the day before. Learning new things definitely comes with a dose of embarrassment, but when it is something I feel like I should know how to do or do well, it’s a whole other level. I laughed with my seat mates on the way up the lift and skied fine on the run and mostly forgot about it.

There was a time, though, when I felt as though embarrassment might actually kill me from the inside out. When I would wake up in the middle of the night and replay awkward conversations, unable to sleep because I was so worried about what the other person must have thought. I still have to fast forward or look away from tv shows or movies in particularly awkward parts. But it’s getting better.

A lot of what makes it better is age, knowing I’ve embarrassed myself plenty and lived. I’ll probably do something even more embarrassing next week. Another thing is that the people I spend time with don’t make me feel worse about things. They don’t make fun or remind me of ways I’ve messed up. We laugh together and move on or they tell me about something embarrassing they did to make me feel better. They are kind. 

The type of anxiety I experience is always there, underlying things, but it is so so much better when I take care of myself and I am supported by the people in my life. I don’t worry the people I love won’t love me if I mess up. I don’t worry that I’ll never hear the end of something. I mess up, I feel bad for a bit, I laugh, and I tell friends who will laugh with me and tell me it’s no big deal. I don’t wake up at night any more thinking about how I said all the wrong things or have to physically work out to the point of exhaustion to be able to have peace.

Surround yourself with people who laugh with you, not at you. Be with people who don’t make you feel worse, but who build you up. It takes time, but one day you might realize you won’t actually die of embarrassment, it’s just a funny story to tell your friends.

See you down the road,

Jamie