Dear Friend,
Are you a natural at eye contact? At looking like a normal person? I am not. I’m good at pretending now, but it’s taken a lot of practice for me to human appropriately.
Ever since I was young, I remember being told to look people in the eye when we were speaking. I was reminded frequently and not always patiently or kindly. In some ways I am thankful for this. I am now very good at eye contact. Well sort of. When I meet someone new, I think a lot about how much eye contact I am making. Sometimes it’s too much, and as someone who can come off as intense, it can feel like staring. No one ever said, you also need to break eye contact. Or also, that they don’t even really mean eye contact, but really vaguely in the direction of their eyes or forehead. If you stare straight into someone’s eyes for the duration of a conversation it will freak them out. Trust me, I’ve learned this. But I’m still annoyed that I didn’t get complete instructions. That people thought it was just natural. It wasn’t natural to me.
You can tell when I am comfortable with someone because I almost never look at them when we are speaking. I look out of a window or stare at a wall so I can focus on what they are saying. It’s funny how things aren’t always what they look like or what we are told. I am actually paying attention when I am looking away and I am thinking about eye contact when I’m making eye contact - I can’t process what the person is saying nearly as well. I took copious notes I never looked at again in college just to have somewhere to look, to be able to pay attention.
One time (okay, more than one time) I got in trouble in seventh grade math for doodling during class. I was very good at math. Once, the teacher thought he was being clever and made me explain a concept he was teaching. I did and apparently used a “big” word. He called me “dictionary” for a while and got the class to laugh at me. I felt bad a couple years later when I found out he died of cancer and I wasn’t sad.
Friend, I’m not telling you any of this to brag or anything but just to tell you a bit of what it is like inside my brain. I was a straight-A student throughout high school. But I was barely functioning in school at the same time and didn’t get along with most of my teachers. I was messy, disorganized, forgot assignments and permission slips. I lost my lunch card every week in middle school and had to eat the bean burrito of shame. It was comical to people in my life that I couldn’t keep it together and I was basically told to try harder. I was trying so hard. I don’t think anyone thought I was struggling for real because I made good grades and participated in all the activities.
Today I thought about all of this because I was looking in a mirror. I used to stare when I caught my reflection in a mirror or a window. I still do sometimes. I was accused of being self-obsessed and vain. I was studying how to make facial expressions, look like a regular human. I was also checking that I looked okay when so much of my life had been about managing appearances.
I love people so much and feel a lot of empathy and sometimes have such a hard time expressing myself in situations where the rules of engagement aren’t clear. I analyze situations after the fact, cursing what I said or how I said it.
So this is part of why I write letters, Friend, because then I can sort out my thoughts. I can tell you how I feel without worrying about what to do with my eyes. Just know I care and I’m paying attention, even if it doesn’t always look like it.
See you down the road,
Jamie
I don’t care if you look at me or not. Your perfect just as you are in my eyes ❤️